Marriage is the final initiation into the Balinese community. Most Balinese
consider it an important social obligation to raise a family and carry
on the family name, and only a stable married man or household head may
become a member of the banjar. A person who never marries is looked
upon as an oddity; if a man dies a bachelor the Balinese say that in the
next life he will feed pigs, a woman's task. If a woman dies childless,
she is doomed to be suckled by a giant caterpillar.
Many Balinese marriages are still prearranged
or negotiated, though young men may also "kidnap" their wives,
and mixed-caste marriages are increasingly common. Marriage customs differ
from caste to caste and village to village, but all Balinese marriage practices
share fundamental similarities. There are basically two ways to get married
on Bali, ngerorod and mapadik.
Ngerorod
This is marriage by elopement, in which the prearranged honeymoon precedes
the wedding ceremony. Since it's otherwise quite expensive to marry on
Bali, ngerorod is becoming more and more popular. It has particular
appeal to the Balinese sense of theater. Balinese love a spectacular kidnapping
in which friends of the suitor capture a woman in the fields, on the road,
or down by the river. Theatrics are paramount: she is expected to bite
and kick her abductors in mock self-defense. These days it's more stylish
and fashionable for the woman to be whisked away in a hired sedan, and
more often than not she goes willingly. The couple then repairs to a friend's
house stocked with provisions, offerings, and the bride's wardrobe. The
woman's infuriated father sounds the alarm demanding to know what has become
of his daughter. A search party is organized which eventually returns unsuccessful
and exhausted.
Meanwhile, the couple is consummating the
marriage before special offerings (sesayut tabuh rah) have the time
to wilt. These offerings alone make the marriage binding by customary law.
Emissaries of the groom visit the bride's father to argue the advantages
of the union. Begrudgingly, the girl's father gives in, after a suitable
bride price has been agreed upon. The groom's father must finance and conduct
the marriage ceremony, welcoming the bride as a new daughter into the family.
The actual public wedding, within 42 days of the staged kidnapping, is
only an official confirmation of their union. They are already married
in the eyes of the gods.
Mapadik
This is marriage by consent, in which an upper-class couple conducts
a formal courtship. Since daughters were once regarded as property useful
for attaining a family's social and political goals, high-caste families
tried to wed a son to the daughter of a friend or relative so a blood bond
would unite the resources of both families.
Under no circumstances may a woman "marry
down," i.e., take a commoner. The preferred marriage is through a
parallel patricousin, the father's brother's daughter. It has been noted
that Triwangsa couples often get along so well because they are all first
cousins.
Traditionally, the man or his father jouneys
three times to the bride's house with food and sirih. When the bride's
family visits, the groom's father is obliged to give them food, sirih
is chewed (an ancient, ritualistic means of coming to agreement), and presents
are exchanged. The groom then regularly visits the home of his prospective
bride, presenting gifts and performing services for his future father-in-law.
The groom's family arranges and pays for
the wedding, the date set well in advance on a propitious day. Wedding
guests are often entertained by professional storytellers and musicians.
Enormously detailed rules govern dining and seating arrangements. Sometimes
the bride's family is not even invited.
The actual ceremony varies. It could be very
simple and short, presided over by a common temple pemangku, or
it may be elaborate, expensive, and go on all day. Both the bride and groom
dress in bright songket, with brocades of gold thread, and the woman's
hair is decorated with glittering gold flowers.
Usually the bride and groom offer food to
one another, then simulate such domestic duties such as washing, cooking
rice, and cutting bamboo. Prayers are intoned, then the couple eats together
in public, feeding each other. This is an important symbolic act, as in
former times only married men and women were allowed to eat food together
in public. The priest then performs a ritual purification and blesses the
couple. Neither rice nor flowers are thrown. Today there could very well
be a Western-style buffet reception held afterward where speeches are offered
by members of the two families.
Married Life
After the wedding, the new bride leaves her old ties behind and formally
becomes a member of the husband's kin group and caste, serving the new
family's gods. The couple resides in the house of the husband's parents
for the first few years; relations with her own family may be severed.
The wife owns all her clothes, jewelry, household
utensils, pigs, and chickens, and often has her own income from the sale
of market goods. Inheritance is invariably passed along the male line;
the man owns the house, the rice fields, the cattle, and his tools, and
is in charge of handling the money.
Polygamy amongst the aristocracy was once
widespread but is now quite rare. At one time the wife of a prince could
hold varying levels of status in a puri, depending upon her caste
and whether she ranked as first, second, third, or fourth wife. The prince
usually did not even appear at his wedding ceremony with a low-caste bride;
she was ceremonially married to his kris, or a tree.
A man may be awarded a divorce by the village
authorities if his wife is lazy, quarrelsome, adulterous, or sterile, while
a woman may divorce her husband by simply leaving his home if he is cruel,
under an occult power, or impotent.